#4 New Life

Today was the most entertaining adventure yet. God has a sense of humor, I have no doubt. Before I plunge into the long (but worth it!) account of this day's happenings I must first share this week's events. On Wednesday, a woman from Burke United Methodist came to my house bearing bread. She was incredibly friendly and didn't preach or wave that candle in my face. She simply said hello and that they were so glad we visited, and left me with bread and some papers. The papers were just more information about the church. The bread, however, must have been made from holy water. It was divine. I would have eaten the entire loaf if ravenous beast JacksonTaylorZack hadn't come into the kitchen. Then on Saturday my mom handed me a letter that came in the mail from that same 'ol church saying something along the lines of, "Look, more from your new friends." It basically said the same thing as the papers the woman had given me. I am now concerned that an entire rainforest will be cut down before I cease to hear from these people. Rachel also received a letter, although no one brought her bread. My theory is that the people behind me DID see "frightening" scrawled in my notebook and passed on the message that the tall, fidgety one was going to need a hell of a lot of work. Though perhaps not in those exact words. Before we move on, I must confess I do feel slightly guilty about being so harsh on Robe Man and his followers. They seem very content with their rituals; I am happy for them as long as I don't ever have to participate. While eating the delicious bread I realized I did respect their ways. I could feel my mind expanding as I chewed. Although...the bread did have an awful lot of poppy seeds.

This morning, armed with Starbucks coffee, we set out for New Life Christian Church. http://www.newlife4me.com/new-here/ Please follow this link before continuing to read; by doing so you can understand what is about to aspire. That hilarious website is the reason we chose New Life. I was beyond impressed with the website and never have I been so excited to attend a church. This one couldn't wait.

As we headed to Where The Rich Things Are, aka Mclean, I sipped (ok gulped) my coffee and was constantly reassured by Rachel of her driving skills with statements such as, "DUDE! If we make it there alive I'm gonna be so impressed," and, "Hey look, there goes our exit!" And as she somehow makes it anyway, "Weeee I'm a crazy driver." Thank you Starbucks for your trusty lids, you saved me from a caramel macchiato tsunami.

After about half on hour of this calm driving, Lucy and Ethel suddenly realize they must be close to the destination. "Dude, what's this place called again?" Rachel asks. I have no idea. Throughout the week when people would inquire where we were going next I would say I couldn't remember the name, but it had an amazing website. When asked what kind of church it was, my response was, "Uhm, a cool one." Apparently this went for Rachel as well. We weren’t concerned - the address was in the GPS; we'd find out when we got there.

You would think with a GPS we would never have issues finding our way or figuring out where we were. HA. That think is wrong, is all I'll say. The GPS showed a checkered flag somewhere on the road we were currently on and suddenly we saw a church. "Is that it?!" Rachel asked. "The flag thing seems to say so, quick pull up the drive!" I said. She used more of her mad last-minute decision driving skills and in we went. The building was nice, although I had imagined something much funkier. Everyone was in very dressy clothes. This didn't cue us in that something was wrong. After all, Burke Methodist had seemed contemporary and almost new age according to advertisements, and that was proven otherwise. We peeked into a few rooms and had no idea where to go. There was a group of young people in the foyer; in fact these were the only people we ever saw there. Rachel went up to a girl and said, "Excuse me, Hi, uhm, where do we go?" The girl looked at us blankly. "For what?" She finally said. This was strange. We told her we were looking for the service, and when she gave us another baffled look we briefly explained our church exploration project. By now most of the group was listening. We told them their website was so funny, and that's why we came. This got us a round of confused stares taken to a whole new level. The girl informed us that the 11AM service was the Spanish one. Now it was our turn to be confused.

The thought that we were in the wrong place was beginning to float around in my noggin. I like to think I missed the obvious because I was keeping my mind completely open, and this is why I didn't think much about the things that should have cued me in. For example, the guys were all REALLY good looking, and everyone was abnormally friendly. Also, I overheard some blond informing someone, "Oh my sister's boyfriend broke his nose when he was 19! So he was of course on his mission." I thought, "Mission…hey, I have a Mormon boyfriend too!"

As these things were dancing around my brain but not quite settling yet, an adorable child about 3 years old marched up to us and jabbed Rachel's coffee cup with his finger. (Mine was long gone.) "What's that?" he asked. "The nectar of life," I replied in my preferred humor voice - monotone without expression; dry. Rachel laughed, nobody else did. Yet another hint I failed to notice. "Coffee's bad for your body!" the child exclaimed. "It keeps my body running," my big mouth continued (why why why?) Again, nobody laughed nor cracked even a smile. The squirt, who I was growing less fond of every moment, frowned. "Only some kind of teas are okay," he scolded me. I wouldn't realize until later that he was only saying what everyone else there was probably thinking.

Once the shock from our waltzing in wore off, these people became ridiculously helpful and friendly. We were introduced to several elders, who all looked about 18 or 19. No, this didn't clue me in yet either. We were told that another campus existed not too far; the girl even offered to drive there and let us follow her. As she was getting her keys, an "elder" guy (super hot younger guy) began to talk to us. It was as he was standing there, launching into a sermon on their beliefs and ministry, that it FINALLY clicked. I noticed the nametag on his hot "elder" body. I never saw his name, because what was underneath jumped out: "Jesus Christ Church of the Latter Day Saints." Of course he choose that moment to pause his "Why you should join us RIGHT NOW" lecture to ask with a smile, "So do you guys have any friends that are Mormon?" This was the moment the light bulb went ding for Rachel; the ripples of her shockwave almost knocked me over. "My boyfriends Mormon, actually," I answered. "Oh and does he always talk to you about joining our church?" he inquired. "No we pretty much leave that stuff alone, we just kinda respect each others beliefs...yeah," I said. This made him frown deeply. The girl then returned with her keys, and we told her never mind don't worry about it, but thank you so much for offering. They told us to come back at one. We smiled, waved, and kept walking. "Just smile and wave boys, smile and wave."

As we strode to the car I said a few "Oh my goshs" and then brilliantly, "That was the wrong church." Rachel nodded, and said something along the lines of "Dude, those people are so friendly!" They really are. "So now what?" Rachel asked. "We should at least find the intended church," I figured. Suddenly I LOL'd out loud. "RACHEL! I told a group of Mormons that coffee was the nectar of life!" We would return to this amusing notion many times the rest of the morning, me groaning, "I can't believe I said that, of all the places," and Rachel cheerfully responding, "I'm so glad you did!"

The New Life building was just down the road - a colorful bubble-lettered sign announced it. The building was a red A-framed structure resembling a mutated barn. I got my funky after all. As Rachel said, the only bad thing about New Life was we couldn't locate the door at first. Once we got in we found the sanctuary much easier. We took our seats and I looked around at the people. It was not large. I'm terrible at estimating, but let’s go with 20 or 40. The song, "Me and My Gang," by Rascal Flatts popped into my head and hasn't left. Look it up. It's about a diverse group being one big family and having a good time. This church had hippies; I honestly saw one give the other a peace sign. It had old biker dudes who don't realize they're old and have those wives with suspiciously poofy hair. Guys in flannel and cool belts around their blue jeans. An old Korean woman wearing pearls. The list goes on. "Come as you are," is the phrase that leaps into my mind. Oh, and they had coffee. It may be just me, but I seem to recall the light from the window shining down on it, lighting up the glorious table and making the carafes sparkle.

We missed the worship; the sermon began right after we sat down. The program referred to the pastor as "The Funny Guy." I wasn't sure about this. I have a strong distaste for comedy acts. Its the whole "acts" thing that gets me. It's just a show. A perfect example is Joey Gladstone from Full House. That man disgusts me. But I guess I shouldn't be so judgmental - baby Mary Kate and Ashley thought he was funny. I suppose I have bizarre taste in humor. Those demanding standards were fulfilled today.

Rachel told me later that she was wondering at first how well an actual sermon would fit into this, and if they could be entertaining AND pull off a deep God lesson. We both agreed they did. The way the pastor spoke made you feel comfortable and relaxed, so it was easy to listen. The theme this Sunday was Jonah (the dumbest guy in the Bible), praying, and how God is constantly trying to get our attention.

"He who only prays in distress will have only stressed out prayer time," Funny Guy told us. He talked about how the best time to pray is when you don't have to. God wants us to talk to him, he aches for us. This is hard for us to grasp, and it is doubly hard for other religions to grasp. Think about it - in most religions God is like Simon Cowel. Everyone is obsessed with pleasing him and impressing him, even though they probably won't, and if they manage to it won't last. Muslims have to pray at certain times every day. It makes so much sense to me that my God doesn't want this. He wants us to be real. Come as we are. How cool is it that the Being who created the complex galaxies of the sky and the complex atoms of a molecule wants to have a personal relationship with each one of us? He wouldn't simply like to, no, he LONGS to. 2 Samuel 14:14 says, "Like water spilled on the ground, which cannot be recovered, so we must die. But God does not take away life; instead, he devises ways so that a banished person may not remain estranged from him." We are never hopeless causes. We can never stray too far to be denied return if our hearts seek it.

If you haven't observed, I really liked this place. If Rachel one day drives onto the wrong road and never returns and the church exploration ends, I would go to this one every week. Of course, we have only been to four churches, but that's on the official exploration. I've been to countless in my 16 years. This one is top of the scale. Of course, that's just my preference. I'm sure the atmosphere would give souls who enjoy the traditional a conniption. Whatever that is. My anti-organized religion, church weary, free spirited, misfit, stoner dubbed friends (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) please go to this church. I found not one thing about the whole experience intimidating, and usually the mere word "church" intimidates me. And mainly, it was just really far out man.

I will leave the option of popping into the Mormon temple on the way up to you. Those guys WERE pretty darn good looking. Very focused and dedicated to their beliefs though, that was evident. I find a lot of respect in that and in their eagerness to share. I did tell Jon that he may be hunted down for having such a wack job girlfriend. Our conversation went like this:

Me: "My day was awesome. So guess what? I accidently went to a Mormon church this morning."
Jon: "Haha. Really? How long did it take 'till you and your friend found out and ran for your lives?"
(I then told him what happened and that he might want to deny knowing me from now on.)
Jon: "Hahaha!!! Yeah you might wanna watch out for that kid's parents. But don't worry. Most Mormons are pretty ridiculously friendly to visitors. But is that why your day was so good? Corrupting children makes you feel accomplished?"

I agreed they were the friendliest people I'd ever met. (I think I have made that point evident by now.) I also went on to tell him that the reason my day was so great was because there were major unexpected events. Those are my favorite.

Well, my coffee cup's empty. Let me end this by stating that I recommend New Life. This is the first of the four I recommend. I'm not just saying that because I talked to Funny Flannel Pastor Guy after the service and we wrote down our blog site, and he might be reading this. Sugar-coating is not an option for the Sally mind. As Simon Cowel always says with an indifferent British accent, "Sorry"

If you read all of that, this whole entry, I love you. Now enjoy your coffee,(not you Jon, you relish that root beer you adore so) and rest your brain and eyeballs, until next week.